I’ve always felt like there were two conflicting sides to me. The practical girl and the dreamer. The go-getter and the nap-lover. The health food junky and the chocolate obsessed. On any given day, I hear myself saying, “I feel both this AND that” or “I want to do both of these things simultaneously” or “I can’t decide because both ways make sense.” I am often torn between two ideas or wish I could be in two places at once. I can blame it on my Gemini brain, but at this point, I’ve accepted that it’s just the way I am.
Lately, this character trait of mine is getting a bit exhausting. It’s just not physically (or mentally) possible for me to do two things at once or to be in two places at once.
Believe me. I’ve tried.
I’m not talking about basic, run of the mill multi-tasking. I’m talking about a bigger feeling – one that doesn’t allow me to rest. One that that tells me there’s still more to do. That I haven’t done enough. That I am not enough.
While working on one thing, I am often thinking about what I have to do next or what I should be doing instead of what I am doing. Sometimes, I am even thinking that I should be relaxing and find myself feeling guilty for not relaxing enough. And when I am relaxing, I’m not really relaxed because I’ve got one foot in the room and another foot somewhere else completely.
Oy! Have I mentioned how exhausting this is?
I realize that this feeling is probably common when starting a new business. Over the past year, I’ve pushed through this feeling over and over again. In that amount of time, I decided I wanted to quit my job and within a few months, I did just that. I quit my job because I had outgrown my old job, but mostly I quit because it was time to listen to the creative whispers I’d been hearing for years. I decided I wanted to make a living by being myself. By doing what I love. I stepped away from a full-time job with benefits, picked up my beloved camera, and decided once and for all that I WAS ENOUGH.
I have accomplished so much in a short amount of time and am living the life I envisioned. I should be celebrating, yet here I sit with dark circles under my eyes, a to-do list a mile long, and the gnawing feeling that I’ve forgotten to do something and that someone is going to think that I’m not prepared.
And there it is. That is at the crux of where this feeling comes from. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been obsessed with details and would rather wait until I have all the facts before leaping because I don’t want to be unprepared. Or even worse. To appear unprepared.
But the reality of life is that you can never be prepared. Just when you think you are, life will knock you upside the head with unexpected beauty or pain or joy or __________ (fill in the blank).
There will ALWAYS be more to do. But this precious moment will never exist again. So it’s time to step away from the computer, the laundry, the do-list, the treadmill, and say once and for all:
I have done enough. I AM ENOUGH.
About Darrah Parker
Darrah Parker is a Seattle-based portrait, family, and “slice of life” photographer. Armed with her camera, she is on a constant search for the joy in everyday life, beauty in the over-looked and under-appreciated, and the magic in simple moments. She lives with her musician husband in Seattle and can be found most days at a coffee shop or farmers market, usually with a camera in hand. She shares her photography on her website and thoughts on living a creative life on her blog. She sells fine art photography prints in her Etsy shop and is available for portrait sessions in the Seattle area and beyond.