I can’t point to any time in my life when I actually, really felt like I was enough of anything. I was always the oddball in my family, and although they laughed about it and didn’t seem really bothered, I always knew I wasn’t normal enough. But I tried really hard to be normal, so when I was older and there were cool, artsy, offbeat people to hang out with, I wasn’t weird enough for them! It’s funny now, but it was really hard as a teenager not fitting in anywhere.
I’ve spent my whole life feeling like I almost had it. Was almost enough of one thing or another. If only I could master that one thing—be prettier, thinner, funnier, friendlier—then I’d get all the things I wanted and would have a great life.
Of course, now that I’m older, I know that if I had managed to get that “one thing” that always seemed to be keeping me from the Land of Enough, something else would have come up to thwart me. It’s actually human nature—we are strivers. We climb one mountain, and we look for the next, higher mountain to get started on. This is actually okay. This is how we invent incredible things, after all. I just wish I’d known sooner that wanting to do better, to be better is actually okay and doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me right now. It just means I have goals!
I’d love to say I finally have it all figured out and that I wake up every morning full of confidence in myself, knowing where I’m going, sure of my abilities to get there. And I do have some days like that. They’re awesome, and I intend to have them more often! But I still struggle with plenty of self-doubt. I still feel out of place and unsure of myself. I still feel like I’m not quite enough of various things depending on my focus at the moment.
What’s really different now is that I can see that the doubts in myself aren’t truths. I can at least contemplate the idea that these are just passing thoughts and feelings and not reality. I can tell myself that the negative voices in my head aren’t right; I don’t automatically believe them and agree with them any more. I can hear the negative talk in my mind and say, “You’re wrong! I am enough!” And when I say it, I can hear that there really is truth in it even when I’m not quite feeling it in that moment. And I know that I’m moving more and more into a reality where, in my heart, I know I really am enough.
About Kim Switzer
Kim Switzer is a professional muse (a.k.a. creativity coach), practitioner of whimsy, writer, teacher, embroiderer, photographer, experimental cook and all around creative indulger. She’s been a bank teller, an English teacher, a stockbroker, and an Avon lady (although not necessarily in that order). Although she’s just starting out as a creativity coach, she’s already loving it because, as she says, “I can tell I’ve finally found my place.”