For a long time, I felt deeply inadequate as a person. I was missing something important. As a grown adult, I was incapable of tying my shoes, or riding a bike, or jumping rope. What twenty-nine year-old can’t tie her own shoes?
See, I had a crazy childhood. I’ll avoid the details, but it’s enough to say the inadequacies I felt weren’t my own fault. And though I could easily entangle myself in the past and bury myself in the angst of that story, I searched for ways to change. First, I worked in Africa for four years, and discovered that despite the crazy, I’d lived an amazingly privileged life. So I began to rewrite my story.
On my 30th birthday, I made a list of 30 things to do while I was 30. This was my chance to look forward; to relearn patterns and find a way to change the story I’d been living for so long. Tired of slip-ons, I decided to learn to tie my own shoes. I also decided to search for happy memories from my childhood in my paintings—so I found old toys. Things I remembered playing with as a kid, alone in the closet or in the back of the car on long trips. I searched for good memories alone in my studio, and found these paintings. I was rather proud of myself—whereas before I had only bad memories, now I saw such whimsy and joy.
Last fall, as I was finishing the series and preparing for a show, I laid them all out to look at the whole picture… and I saw something I’d never noticed before. Most of the objects in the paintings were missing something: a piece was detached from the whole. I’d been painting self-portraits the whole time, essentially. Because I felt like I was missing something too.
Over the next few weeks, I realized something. Teaching a friend to knit, I said, “I can do this, and I can barely tie my shoes— you can do it too.” And I realized that someone had taught me to knit long before I learned to tie my shoes, and yet knitting is moving string around, too. So I was capable of learning; it’s just that no one taught me. Maybe I’m not as inadequate as I thought.
Riding my bike around Portland, gaining confidence, I began to see that the problem was more about how I hadn’t had a chance to learn things when other kids were learning them. It wasn’t that I was incapable—it was that no one had bothered to really teach me. It wasn’t because I wasn’t enough—it was because someone else didn’t show me, they just handed me the shoes and hoped I’d catch on.
I gradually moved to paintings of whole and complete toys, and this year as I’ve begun a daily painting practice, I stopped painting toys altogether. I wear a new mantra around my neck these days. It says, “Look forward.” I’m still learning exactly how strong and capable I am, but I finally know that I am Enough.
………..
About Jolie Guillebeau
Jolie Guillebeau still wears mostly slip-on shoes, but at least now she has a choice. She paints everyday (almost) in her studio in Portland, Oregon. You can see her paintings and read her stories here, and you can say “Hi” on Facebook.
I'm so struck by the missing pieces… and how they were there all along, waiting for a bit of attention and love.
Thank you for sharing your journey…
this post–your story, your words–are just beautiful. thank you for sharing, especially this line: "so i began to rewrite my story". i am at the precipice of the same editing and reworking. and, of course, you ARE enough.
I love your story so much! I love how you reframed your childhood and found that whimsy and how you found your new mantra. I really want to pick myself up and move forward now that I've read your story. Thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing part of your story, Jolie. I really connected with your words. And I adore the painting used as the picture on this post!!! I'm looking forward right alongside you!
such transparency is encouraging. Thanks for sharing with us!
Love this Jolie. You inspire me.
thank you for sharing such an incredible part of yourself!
Thank you for sharing this; I'm sure it took strength to write it down and publish it for the world to see! I love that you are "looking forward".
Thank you for sharing this gorgeous post. I resonate with SO much, including the not learning to ride a bike part (learned last year!).
So honored to share here today– the I Am Enough Collaborative is soooo powerful. Thanks, Tracey, for creating this wonderful space for encouragement and truth to grow.
You guys are wonderful– I learn so much and I'm so encouraged by your comments! Thank you. Thank you.
I love your story and your honesty! So inspiring to see how you moved from feeling like something was missing to being whole!
Wonderful story, Jolie. Thanks for your honesty and bravery in sharing this! Hey, learning to knit is on my Mondo Beyondo list – maybe you can teach me!
Jenny, I'd love to! Teaching people to knit is a secret obsession of mine.
beautiful, inspiring and raw, and beautiful.
Your words and paintings, the something missing and your direction of "moving forward" is incredibly moving to me. Sending you much love on your moving forward. I feel like collecting quotes and stories on this theme, as stuckedness if that's a word has caught me before. Thank you! I'll be sure to share them with you.
Amy- I'd love to see them! Thank you!
Angie- thank you. thank you.
I love the idea of looking forward.
This is beautiful and inspiring. Thank you. And that painting always makes me smile.
love this post; bravo jolie!
Coach Outlet Store Online
Coach Outlet
Coach Outlet Store Online
Chanel Handbags
Hermes Birkindsxcvx
Coach Purses Outlet
Louis Vuitton Outlet
Coach Outlet Online
Burberry Scarves
Louis Vuitton Outlet
Louis Vuitton Purses
Coach Purses
Chanel Outlet
Coach Online Factory Store
Coach Factory Store
Coach Factory Outlet Store Online
Coach Outlet Online Store
Louis Vuitton Bags
Coach Factory Online
Coach Factory Store
Coach Online Factory
Coach Factory Outlet
Coach Outlet Online
Louis Vuitton Bags
Coach Factory Online
Louis Vuitton Bags
Louis Vuitton Outlet
Cheap Coach Bags
Louis Vuitton Purses
Chanel Bags
Coach Online Outlet Store
Louis Vuitton
Coach Outlet Stores Online
Coach Factory Outlet
Coach Bags
Louis Vuitton Purses
Coach Outlet Handbags
Chanel Bags
Louis Vuitton Bags
Coach Factory Outlet Online
Hermes Wallet
http://www.hermes.com
Cheap Louis Vuitton Bags
Coach Factory Online
Louis Vuitton
Coach Outlet Stores
Louis Vuitton
Louis Vuitton
Coach Outlet Online Store
Coach Factory
Coach Outlet
Coach Outlet Online
Coach Online Factory
Coco Chanel Handbags
Coach Outlet
Coach Factory Online
Coach Factory Outlet Online
Coach Factory Online
Coach Outlet
Coach Outlet Store Online
Coach Outlet Stores Online
Coach Outlet Online
Coach Outlet Store Online
Louis Vuitton Outlet Online
Prada
Coach Factory Handbag Outlet Store
Louis Vuitton Outlet
Coach Bags Outlet
Coach Outlet Online
Coach Purses Outlet Online
Coach Factory
Prada Handbags
Cheap Louis Vuitton
Coach Outlet Store
Coach Factory Outlet
Coach Factory Outlet
Gucci
Coach Outlet Online
Coach Factory Outlet
Coach Outlet Bags
Coach Purses Outlet
Chanel Handbags
Hermes Bags
Coach Factory Online
Coach Factory Store
Coach Factory Outlet Store
Prada Bags
Gucci Handbags
Louis Vuitton Handbags
Louis Vuitton Outlet
Coach Online Store
Coach Outlet Store Online
Coach Outlet Purses
Coach Factory Online
Louis Vuitton Outlet
Coach Outlet Store
Burberry Bags
Cheap Louis Vuitton Handbags
Burberry Bags
Louis Vuitton USA
Coach Online Outlet
LV Bags
Burberry Outlet
Coach Purse Outlet
Authentic Louis Vuitton
Burberry Bags
Louis Vuitton Bags
Coach Handbags Factory Outlet
Gucci Bag
Coach Bag
Hermes
Chanel Outlet Store
Coach Handbags
Coach Outlet Online
Coach Outlet Online Store
http://www.louisvuitton.com
http://www.coach.com
Coach Handbag Outlet
Coach Outlet Store
Hermes
Hermes Bags
Coach Factory Outlet
Louis Vuitton Purses
Coach Factory Store Online
Coach Online Outlet
Coach Factory Outlet Online
Coach Factory Store Online
Coach Outlet Store Online
Coach Purses Outlet Stores
Chanel Bags
Coach Factory Outlet
Burberry Outlet
Coach Outlet Online
Louis Vuitton Handbags
Coach Purse Outlet Online
LV Bags
Burberry Scarves
Louis Vuitton
Louis Vuitton Outlet
Coach Factory Outlet Online
le="Louis Vuitton Purses" rel="nofollow">Louis Vuitton Purses
Burberry Handbags
Burberry Scarf
Chanel Handbags
Coco Chanel Bags
Louis Vuitton Bag
http://www.louisvuitton.com
Chanel Handbags
Louis Vuitton Bags
Chanel Bags
Coach Purses
http://www.louisvuitton.com
Coach Outlet Online Store
Coach Outlet
Louis Vuitton
http://www.coach.com
Chanel Bags
Coach Outlet
Coach Factory Outlet Online
Coach Outlet Online
Burberry Scarf
Coach Outlet Store Online
Burberry Bags
Louis Vuitton Outlet
Coach Factory Store
Coach Factory Outlet Online
Coach Factory Store Online
Coach Online Outlet
Gucci Handbags
Coach Factory
Louis Vuitton Outlet
Coach Online Outlet
Coach Outlet Store Online
Coach Outlet Online Store
Coach Outlet Store Online
Coach Handbags
Louis Vuitton Handbags
Prada Outlet
Louis Vuitton Outlet
Coach Factory
Coach Outlet
Coach Factory
Coach Factory Store
Coach Outlet Store
Coach Outlet
Coach Online Factory Store
Burberry Handbags
Gucci Shoes
Coach Outlet Online
Chanel Bags
Louis Vuitton
Louis Vuitton Handbags
Coach Outlet Online
Louis Vuitton Outlet Online
Coach Factory Outlet
Coach Purses Outlet
Coach Factory Online
Louis Vuitton Outlet Stores
Chanel Outlet Online
Chanel Handbags
Coach Purses Outlet
Coach Outlet Store
Gucci
Gucci Bags
http://www.hermes.com
lv outlet
Coach Outlet Store
Coach Outlet Store Online
Coach Factory Store Online
Coach Store Online
Coach Factory Outlet Online
Louis Vuitton Sunglasses
Coach Online Outlet Store
Coach Factory Store Online
Coach Online Outlet
Coach Factory Outlet
http://www.louisvuitton.com
Coach Handbags Outlet
Gucci Belt
Coach Factory
Burberry
Coach Bags
Coach Factory Outlet Online
Coach Factory Outlet
Louis Vuitton Bags
Coach Outlet Online Store
Coach Outlet
Louis Vuitton Outlet Online
Coach Factory
Coach Outlet Online Store
Coach Outlet Store Online