I had a moment recently where I started doubting everything. My abilities as a wife, mother, friend. and the places where I live and work. The wear and tear of a 2 hour daily commute to a full time job all while mothering a toddler and building a creative business on the side had finally taken it’s toll. I was being stretched too thin and spread in so many different directions. It was mommy guilt at it’s finest and in my mind I was failing at it all.
I am not usually a crier. So on this day, when I broke down in a puddle of tears before bed, my husband – my rock, my calmer, my guide – knew something was seriously wrong.
In between sobs I’d fret over the amount of time we were wasting in cars driving too and from full time jobs instead of frolicking with her on the playground. The number of home cooked family dinners we were missing out on because by the time we arrived home at the end of a day it was too late to cook an elaborate meal. The number of hours we all spent apart because full time work was a necessity for us both if we were going to make ends meet.
He embraced me tightly and told me that everything is temporary and it was all going to be ok. He made proclamations of my amazingness and my ability to ‘do it all’. But, his words fell on deaf ears, because I still felt like a failure. I tearfully drifted off to sleep that night hoping for answers and dreaming of a better tomorrow.
Weekending the next morning brought us all together around the breakfast table where we watched our daughter’s fascinating 21 month old mind babbling her usual strings of nouns: mama, daddy, kitty, neigh, up, Elmo. Then she did something so silly it set us all off in fits of belly laughter, the kind that instantly soothes the soul. When it was over, she turned to me, smiled, and whispered the sweetest adjective – her first adjective – oh so softly:
I looked at her and turned to my husband stunned, shocked, and amazed. I asked her to repeat what she said to me one more time.
And that moment I realized that even in the midst of all of life’s craziness – the jobs, dreams, demands, and my unmet expectations – I am enough to her. And I am enough just as I am.
Beryl Ayn Young, serves as chief photography muse over on her personal blog and serves as a teacher of the photography lessons to nourish the mind, body, and soul. She believes in lifelong learning, photographic healing, & a glass half full perspective. Beryl offers e-courses and and mentoring are aimed at teaching you how to improve your camera skills and cherish life’s journey.