05 Jan The Gift of Hindsight
I’ve had an interesting (challenging, emotional, hard) last few years. It was like, just when I thought I had done all of my midlife unraveling along the way, I unraveled even more. And more. And more. So much so that there seemed to be no more left to unravel. And that’s when things started feeling really hopeless. By the time I approached my 50th birthday * I was feeling so down, so discouraged, so disheartened about seemingly everything, I actually thought that maybe it wouldn’t ever lift; like this heavy and hopeless feeling was just something I would have to learn to live with.
Thankfully, that wasn’t the case. Although I cannot pinpoint exactly how or why those overwhelming feelings of despair began to lighten up, I have a hunch it was (and is) small moments and incremental touchstones (part circumstances, part connections made-both good and bad, part giving up, part not giving up, part timing, part magic) that have gotten me to where I am now. So where am I now? Mostly marveling in relief and gratitude that I’m experiencing a miraculous chain reaction of inner-change that feels hopeful, real, and fundamental to my overall well-being on a cellular level. It may sound overly dramatic but that’s exactly how it feels. I’ve been waiting a long time for this shift. Standing on some sort of emotional plateau now, I am able to see the bigger picture of who, what, where and perhaps best of all, why the past few years have been so debilitatingly difficult. I have been able to identify some deeply ingrained self-destructive patterns and cruel, twisted narratives that have been playing out for a long time and Oh My Holy Revelation, no wonder I’ve been struggling.
I’m aware now more than ever that hindsight is a gift and it’s my intention to use it now as a tool, an ally, and a guide—to use it to help me deconstruct what’s been so hurtful and harmful so I can start to build new, healthy and helpful ways of moving into this next phase of my life.
This is my commitment to myself. It’s time.
* If you were one of the many kind souls that wished me a Happy Birthday on Facebook way back in August, thank you. I was in such a bad way, I couldn’t even respond to the birthday love and best wishes. Now, 5 months later, I can give you all a heartfelt thank you for your kindness. Being in too deep to receive love and support is not the best way to spend a birthday. I’m really glad I’m in a better place now. And, thanks again. I’m grateful for these past 50 years. I really am.
Photo credit: the amazing Julia Clark