Saying What Needs to be Said

24 Feb Saying What Needs to be Said

I keep waiting and waiting and putting it off. By that I mean writing here about you know…my “stuff”.  Why? I keep asking myself and I keep hearing the same answer—

because sometimes words don’t come easy.

And again come the whys. Why don’t words come easy anymore?  Maybe because I’ve been in a quieter, more contemplative state than what feels normal for me. Or because I’m writing so many words for other people/places/projects that for my own blog I feel tapped out. Or because there doesn’t ever feel like there’s enough time in the day. Or because I would rather use my blog for lovely things—and although I deeply believe that there is beauty in everything—life is kind of messy right now (literally).

There’s not really one, uncomplicated answer. In fact, all of these things are true and they all answer the whys together. I’m imagining there are lots of folks that can relate to some of this stuff and I know I’m not alone. And like many of you, I’m sharing plenty about my life through a continually running stream of images that tell my story in a way that feels good to me. So what’s the issue? Isn’t that enough?Why am I so desperate to share more?  Because what I am sharing through both images and words isn’t the whole story.  And considering I’m someone who has created an entire career around documenting everyday life, it seems strange (and hypocritical) that I’m not sharing it all.

 So, what is whole story?  The whole has to be the sum of all of the parts. And the parts that have never really been illuminated are the parts I’ve been ashamed and embarrassed to expose in pictures or words.  These are the parts that aren’t  shiny, bright, exciting, or pretty but they are the parts that I feel like I have to reveal to not only share my whole story but to share the whole of who I am. I’ve grown weary of keeping some things hidden because it’s exhausting quite frankly and I think it’s time to come out of the closet.

{Here comes the messy part}

I have a huge, ugly, shameful, embarrassing, on-going, often paralyzing battle with clutter.

There. I said it. Long, slow, deflating, defeating exhale.

Considering the tone of some recent posts,  I think I have  prepared everyone for the worst (a dear family member called the other day certain that something was really wrong over here because of the tone of my writing) so admitting I have a problem with clutter might leave people wondering what the big deal is. Well, for me, my clutter issues often feel insurmountable. Sure, I can joke about it, I can avoid it, I can ignore it (or at least try to) but it’s a really big, dark, debilitating issue for me and if I have learned nothing else over the years, it’s that the darkness often just needs to be illuminated to make the whole thing seem a lot less, well, dark. So I supposed, this is my attempt at using a flashlight.

This brings me back to me wanting to use my blog for lovely things and how when you’ve got a clutter problem enclosing in on you, lovely things aren’t as easily found. And let’s face it, there’s nothing about clutter that’s lovely. Alas, I am a master at shooting the things around me that bring me the most joy, comfort and peace. Anyone who has ever seen my photographic work knows that it’s a rare thing for me to disclose the mess. It’s not what brings me joy. It’s not what I want to see. And it’s certainly not what I want to elevate in my daily life. And so, no pictures of it. Or very few anyway. But, back in November, as I sat in my cluttered office, overwhelmed with hopelessness, I shared one simple image on Instagram that brought my issue and feelings to light (see the image above). After a number of long comments of people commiserating with me, I realized that there are many others with similar issues and after getting a letter in the mail that confirmed it, I realized that perhaps sharing my burden might be the only way to carry it and hopefully one day be able to leave it behind. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Today, right now, I’m finally coming out of the clutter closet with a commitment moving forward to share my “stuff”; words, pictures and all. Yes, there will be pictures (gut clinching as I type that out). I realize it’s going to be a journey, a process, a practice, an evolution and that this one post is just merely cracking the door open. But, that feels like plenty for one day.

And with all that, I might have to go lie down. Right after I clear off my bed.