17 Sep An Early Winter
When my oldest daughter started High School I knew it was a big deal. And I knew what was coming; a deluge of all the emotions that frequently flood the landscape of motherhood; excitement, melancholy, pride, joy, satisfaction and of course, that heavy cloud of heartbreak.
But, the summer came and went and skies remained sunny. And on the first day of school…the first week even…the weather system seemed stable. Although I knew it was a big deal, I didn’t really feel it. Why should I? My daughter was ready for this…happily navigating her way through the land of young adults with confidence and finesse.
So when would it would this pattern shift for me? When would I feel the cool breeze of change?
Let’s just say storms can roll in pretty quickly.
It’s not really a surprise that I’ve had some gloomy moment since the school year began. I expected it. I figured it would be because my baby was growing up. But, I’ve gotten used to that. It’s been happening now for over 13 years. This time the rain has come from a different direction. My daughter’s new schedule keeps her so occupied, so busy, that she’ away at school more than she’s home. That’s new. And different. And agonizing. I know what this is. I’m feeling the biter chill of loss.
I miss my daughter being home. I miss sunny afternoons and after school snacks. I miss chatting, easy laughter and free time. I miss bickering and even snickering. I miss my daughter. I really really miss her.
So, this is it. The new climate of motherhood. I know it won’t always feel like such a shock to my system but right now, I’ll keep my scarf on. I’m sure that like all seasons, this one will change. Or maybe I’ll just get more used to it. For as much as I know now to expect some tumultuous winds, I also know there are plenty of warm days and sweet breezes too. I’ll be holding out for those.
Just as I am accustomed to watching my baby grow up into the beautiful young women she is becoming, I suppose that little by little I’ll get a little more used to her being gone so much. I don’t know how long it will take but I’ll be waiting. At least I know that with each moment of me missing her, it will make the springtime of her being home, that much warmer.