07 Dec I am Enough from Imene Said-Kouidri
There was a time when I was confidant.
I remember it.
A time when I looked at the mirror and liked my reflection.
A time when my creations were worth showing.
A time when my inner critic was not there.
A time when I loved myself.
Then High school happened. I had skipped two grades by the time I reached High School. I was always the youngest in class and I was studious. Bookish. I wasn’t in the popular group. I loved books and I liked being an A student. Not really a cool student material. That’s what I wanted. That’s when I started to hear it, the little voice, the inner critic: You don’t look good enough, your clothes are not good enough, your art is not good enough…..
I started to search for ways to quiet the voice. Maybe being the best at what I do would keep it quiet. Maybe being a people pleaser would keep it quiet. Maybe if I met “the” guy I would feel more confidant. I tried different ways but still it came back over and over ruining the best moments and leaving me in tatters.
I allowed myself to be dragged to dark places. I wallowed in all things negative, everything I thought I did wrong. Apologizing profusely for things I thought were my fault. The hardest part was that it is a silent battle. Me against myself. It is not something I could share with anyone. What if they thought I was flawed, what if they left me. I wasn’t enough…
I then became a mom to three wonderful children. I started thinking that I wasn’t good enough as a mother. I was afraid. I didn’t want to ruin them or scar them for life. I surrounded myself with books hoping to find the recipe to being a good mom. The more I read, the more confusing it got. Slowly I started trusting myself. Maybe I wasn’t so bad after all.
Four years in my mothering adventures, I started reading blogs. One blog leading to the other I stumbled upon a book by Brene Brown. I read and I cried. I realized how many women out there are struggling with the same issues. I WASN’T ALONE!!!
That was almost three years ago. I since started a blog. I write one hour every day. I gave myself the time to explore my passion for photography. I knit and sew. I even found the courage to start painting again. A month ago I started my home-based business. We all have a set time on earth, we can’t decide how long it will be but we can decide how to spend it. I decided to enjoy it.
Writing this I realize how easy and straightforward it sounds. It is not. I still have “not enough” moments but I recognize them for what they are and I embrace them. Then I let them go.I don’t love myself yet, we’re still in the dating process.
“ For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. “
Everyday I try to make the best of it.
I AM ENOUGH.
About Imene Said-Kouidri