I Am Enough from Julia Fehrenbacher

I Am Enough from Julia Fehrenbacher

How to Paint a Donkey
By Naomi Shihab Nye

She said the head was too large,
the hooves too small.
I could clean my paintbrush
but I couldn’t get rid of that voice.
While they watched,
I crumpled him,
let his blue body stain my hand,
I cried when he hit the can.
She smiled. I could try again.
Maybe this is what I unfold in the dark,
deciding for the rest of my life,
that donkey was just the right size.

 

I notice as I begin writing that the familiar feeling I would describe as anxiety bubbles to the surface.  My heart beats a little faster, my breathing becomes shallow, my mind jumps and skips all over the place.  Though I’ve had my own blog for three years now and posts typically flow out with ease, my mind is determined to make this different, more complicated, harder-telling me that the way I usually do things isn’t enough somehow.  I become less aware of the way the hot tea fills my insides with warmth, the way the flicker of the candle reminds me of my own quiet light.  Like the moon’s pull on the tide, my mind pulls me from the present moment, threatening to carry me back to the places in my life where I’ve felt less than, not enough.

I heard the above poem for the first time a few months ago at an art retreat.  When the teacher read it, my heart got all soft and open and my eyes filled with tears.  The second time i read it, every part of me felt the words, and right there in my kitchen, in the middle of the afternoon, i sobbed.

There is something about this poem that reaches way down deep inside of me.  It makes me want to sweep up that little one, cradle her in my arms and somehow make her understand that “it” has nothing to do with the size of the donkey’s head or hooves.  And everything to do with how her heart feels inside.  And how it felt inside while she painted that sweet, blue, just right, donkey.  I want her to understand that it has nothing to do with whether someone likes her painting or not.  And everything to do with following her joy-always. 

I want to tell her that she will go her whole life trying to prove her goodness, and she will never feel enough, as long as she is trying to find  “it” outside of herself–whether in a painting, a job, money, a lover, another’s approval, etc… It will be a roller coaster ride of emotions.  Heartbreak, bliss and everything in between.  She will feel good and proud if someone approves, small and ashamed if they do not. 

I see that this little girl was me.  I see that i spent years of my life trying to prove my worth, trying to make a “better donkey.”  Comparing my donkey with theirs and thinking i didn’t measure up.  Thinking “they” had the talent and i didn’t.  That they were the smart ones, the athletic ones, the artistic ones.  And on and on and on.  So many boxes, so many limitations. 

 
And i see so many other beautiful souls around me doing the same. 

From years of observing my mind, I’ve noticed that it is a whole lot like a tape recorder-rewinding and fast forwarding, playing and replaying the same stories over and over again, projecting its fearful thoughts into some faraway future place.  I’ve noticed how, in an instant, my worried, shoulding, doubting, questioning, second-guessing thoughts  can rip me out of a good, quiet, inspired place.  No matter how many self help books I’ve devoured (more than should be legal), no matter how many meditation groups I’ve attended, no matter how many deep, spiritual conversations I’ve had, my mind just wants to rewind and play again.

Though I still allow (especially at certain predictable times of the month) my thoughts to drag me into dark, hidden places, places that seemed to hold me hostage until I can manage to crawl out from under them, I have learned too much to stay in the dark for long.

I’ve learned that to access that place of enough-ness, I must drop below the level of my limited thoughts, to a place that is open and welcoming and limitless and true and beautifully whole, where nothing needs to be improved or changed or fixed.  I’ve learned that I can press pause each time those old, worn-out stories try to replay themselves, I don’t have to follow them to their daunting end. 
 I’ve also learned that there are gifts in all of it, the light and the dark, and that it’s all happening for me not to me.   And that there was never anything whatsoever to prove; that was my mind talking not my heart.  My mind compares and criticizes. My heart loves and inspires.  My mind diminishes and doubts.  My heart dreams and knows.

It is clear to me now that i simply (and not so simply) need to remember that i already know how, that i am already good enough.  And to trust that all the answers are inside of me, i just need to quiet down and tune in to hear them.

I think we’re all a little tired of trying to paint the perfect donkey.  

Of comparing ours to theirs.  Of trying to be rather than simply BEing.  Isn’t it a relief to know that we have only to paint our own precious, unique, just right donkey?  

No limitations.  No boxes.  No needing to be perfect.  

And that if we slow down and listen to our heart, it will show us how.
………..
About Julia Fehrenbacher


Julia is a mommy to two spirited little girls who keep her on her toes.  Always.  During those small windows of time when the little ones are occupied elsewhere, Julia paints and writes and reads and connects with beautiful women and contemplates the deep questions of life.  She loves the quiet & beauty of nature.  She loves to inspire and be inspired.  More than anything, she wants to sprinkle some good around in this world and is always looking for ways to do more of that.  You can find her here: 
www.paintedpath.org   and here:  www.juliafeh.etsy.com  

 

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31 Comments
  • Brooke
    Posted at 18:10h, 30 November Reply

    Such a beautiful, heart-filled post. Such resounding truth, and knowingness that you are 'just right', and can return here time and time again. Thank you for sharing your beautiful self, your perfect donkey, and your beautiful writing with the world. I honor you and am inspired by you, time and time again.

  • Rebecca
    Posted at 18:47h, 30 November Reply

    'It' is happening for us, but pressing pause is a nice option when the ending is predictable. Crawling out from under and not staying in the dark too long reminds all of us of the joy and possibility that is our birthright. Thank you for reminders and sharing your journey with the world.

  • Lynn Radosevich
    Posted at 19:05h, 30 November Reply

    Thank you Julia, for sharing your just right perfect self through your beautiful artwork and writing. Loving it, and you. Lyn

  • april
    Posted at 19:33h, 30 November Reply

    Amazing piece, Julia. You have such a way with words…. Wow!

  • Dodie
    Posted at 20:52h, 30 November Reply

    Julia, this is just lovely and so relfective of all of us. We run to 'catch up' only to find we're still seeking satisfaction. Unless we find satisfaction comes from within, we'll always be in the race. You write such beautiful prose and this is a timely reminder for us to slow down, breath and be grateful for all our blessings particulary during the holidays. Love you. D

    PS: I love the donkey, she's perfect!

  • Carol
    Posted at 21:07h, 30 November Reply

    My Sweetheart daughter~
    Who knew 40 years ago when my perfect baby girl was born that you would have such an amazing way with words, making life and life's ventures seem so very clear. Your heart and soul is beautiful and amaziing and you have always and will always be more than just enough for me. Love you too much.
    Mom

  • kalanicut
    Posted at 21:48h, 30 November Reply

    Okay, Mom you're getting me with your beautiful, heartfelt sentiments…<stinging eyes>. Beautiful words to a beautiful daughter. Thank Julia for your inspiring words. You are so right that it's all here inside us if we'll just slow down and listen. Thanks for that reminder as I sit here a bit lost with too many things on my mind. I'm feeling clearer already. 🙂

  • Amy
    Posted at 23:28h, 30 November Reply

    My sister~ Oh how your words ring so true in my life. I am constantly struggling with the feelings of rewinding parts of my life that I am unsatisfied with, or wish I could change. It's so difficult sometimes to focus on the here and now, to know that you are unable to change the past and can only focus on the present. I am so happy that you are able to express yourself so beautifully. You have truly become a very talented writer Jules 🙂 It inspires me to be more creative in my life, which is becoming a difficult task these days! Love you forever 🙂 xoxo
    Amy

  • Eydie
    Posted at 00:03h, 01 December Reply

    Julia,

    I loved your piece. You are a gifted writer. Thanks so much for sharing the poem. I felt a strong connection.
    This was also my first time to write on another blog (November 18). This opportunity also motivated me to launch my blog. Please stop by and visit. http://www.whatwecreate.net I also enjoyed visiting your blog. all the best

  • Joe
    Posted at 00:22h, 01 December Reply

    You're just right, sweetheart. Love, Dad

  • Joe
    Posted at 00:22h, 01 December Reply

    You're just right, sweetheart. Love, Dad

  • Nancy
    Posted at 01:29h, 01 December Reply

    Julia you will always be my perfect donkey, you are a very gifted writer.
    Love you very much.
    Love,
    Aunt Nancy

  • Nancy
    Posted at 01:29h, 01 December Reply

    Julia you will always be my perfect donkey, you are a very gifted writer.
    Love you very much.
    Love,
    Aunt Nancy

  • Katie
    Posted at 02:36h, 01 December Reply

    Beautiful. And that little donkey is, in fact, just right.

  • Katie
    Posted at 02:36h, 01 December Reply

    Beautiful. And that little donkey is, in fact, just right.

  • Shelley
    Posted at 05:41h, 01 December Reply

    You make my heart sing!! Thank you for the blessing that you are. I love you. Shell

  • Shelley
    Posted at 05:41h, 01 December Reply

    You make my heart sing!! Thank you for the blessing that you are. I love you. Shell

  • Mike R
    Posted at 05:50h, 01 December Reply

    Julia,
    Very touching and inspiring. Something every young person should read.
    MikeR.

  • Mike R
    Posted at 05:50h, 01 December Reply

    Julia,
    Very touching and inspiring. Something every young person should read.
    MikeR.

  • Katie Fisher
    Posted at 15:06h, 01 December Reply

    Lovely words, Miss Julia. Thank you for sharing your wisdom – I know I benefited from reading it. xo – Katie

  • Katie Fisher
    Posted at 15:06h, 01 December Reply

    Lovely words, Miss Julia. Thank you for sharing your wisdom – I know I benefited from reading it. xo – Katie

  • amy
    Posted at 17:55h, 01 December Reply

    Essential truths to pass on to our children. Maybe they won't have to work so hard to come out of this!

    Love you you, Julia ~

  • amy
    Posted at 17:55h, 01 December Reply

    Essential truths to pass on to our children. Maybe they won't have to work so hard to come out of this!

    Love you you, Julia ~

  • starrlife
    Posted at 00:12h, 02 December Reply

    This was a treasure to me, a true gift touching me deeply. Thank you for sharing it. Feeling good enough has always been a challenge to me and the way that you describe your journey with it was so helpful.

  • starrlife
    Posted at 00:12h, 02 December Reply

    This was a treasure to me, a true gift touching me deeply. Thank you for sharing it. Feeling good enough has always been a challenge to me and the way that you describe your journey with it was so helpful.

  • lifeineden {amy}
    Posted at 19:55h, 02 December Reply

    This was wonderful. And the heartfelt comments left by your family were so touching as well. I LOVE the poem — so much of our difficulty in feeling enough seems to stem from some little childhood slight doesn't it? Or at least I can think of ones for myself!
    "No needing to be perfect" — amen, working on it.

  • lifeineden {amy}
    Posted at 19:55h, 02 December Reply

    This was wonderful. And the heartfelt comments left by your family were so touching as well. I LOVE the poem — so much of our difficulty in feeling enough seems to stem from some little childhood slight doesn't it? Or at least I can think of ones for myself!
    "No needing to be perfect" — amen, working on it.

  • Karen
    Posted at 00:02h, 03 December Reply

    The poem hit so close to home, I thought it was about an adult experience. As I read your essay, I realized it was a childhood experience that stayed with the poet all those years. Your own experience was beautifully written. Thanks for sharing.

  • Karen
    Posted at 00:02h, 03 December Reply

    The poem hit so close to home, I thought it was about an adult experience. As I read your essay, I realized it was a childhood experience that stayed with the poet all those years. Your own experience was beautifully written. Thanks for sharing.

  • Sandy
    Posted at 02:25h, 03 December Reply

    Beautiful………….Jules!

    The painter and the writer………………..perfect!!

  • Sandy
    Posted at 02:25h, 03 December Reply

    Beautiful………….Jules!

    The painter and the writer………………..perfect!!

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