21 Sep I am Enough from Nadia Munarolo-Kurjata
With all the abuse, loss and self-hatred I have suffered my whole life I feel like I am finally turning a corner. The wounds are deep. My body remembers it all. I can recall all the negative events in my life with great detail, but I struggle with recalling the good things. Last year was an awful year for me. I dealt with the diagnosis of my dog max having cancer and then a few hours later having to say good-bye to him. Shortly after my sister in law Mary Ann passed away suddenly. Add to that my mom who was diagnosed with a rare brain disease that has no cure. I was a mess. I didn’t want to be around anyone and a lot of my friends didn’t want to be around me either. I did not want to live any of it or feel any of it. I couldn’t explain what was happening to me.
I felt like it did not matter what I did it would never “be enough”. It felt like the mask I had worn years ago to hide my pain was back. I tried to act like everything was fine and all was good, but inside I was dying. I wanted to die. I did not know how to deal with any of this. I tried to take care of everything and everybody, but it never felt like enough. I was in a dark place and didn’t know what to do. My husband could see that I was slipping away. He told me that I needed to talk to someone. I disagreed. I thought I could do this on my own. I didn’t think anyone could help me. I saw my doctor who in addition to prescribing medication also suggested I see someone. I finally agreed to see a therapist. I had lost myself and my art was lost too and so I figured an art therapist would be a good choice.
In one session she made a mask of my face and wanted to work on a series to represent all the different masks that I wear. I on the other hand felt as she was taking off the mask that I was finally letting go. I could take off the mask! I was enough!
Another epiphany came at another session. I was unsure of where to start or what direction to take. The words “I am enough” were fresh in my head from reading this blog. I grabbed a round piece of paper. I scribbled with pencil crayons. I dribbled some paint on the paper and moved it around with my hands. Usually I am so clean and tidy, but all I wanted to do was get dirty. I chose an image of a woman who looked childlike and innocent, but also had a stance of “so there” about her. It was perfect and so I added her to my piece and then it hit me “I am enough”. I added the words and dribbled and scribbled some more until I was good and dirty and I felt like I had done enough. We hung it on the wall for reflection and I truly felt it “I am enough”.
Since that session I have written it on pieces of paper and hung it around the house. I have included those words in other pieces of art. I have a whole different outlook on life. Am I enough everyday? Certainly not! But I feel like life is just beginning. My husband is amazing. I have a twenty year old son who believes he is enough and I like to think I helped in that aspect. I have a new puppy and he has brought so much joy into our lives. My mom and dad are still in their home and with help I hope to keep together as long as possible. Any issues we had in the past are forgiven and we focus on loving each other and making the most of every moment. My art is taking off again with leaps and bounds and I am enjoying the ride.
A additional note: I encourage everyone who feels like tomorrow isn’t worth it, to seek professional help. You are worth it. You are beautiful and you are enough!
About Nadia Munarolo-Kurjata
Nadia is a mixed media artist, wife to an incredible man and mother of the best child in the world. Her work has been seen in various magazines such as Somerset Studio, The Artist’s Sketchbook and Calligraphic newsletters. She has taught many workshops in the past and is excited to be back at it this fall. You can learn more about her on her blog http://www.beyourselfcreateart.blogspot.com. Nadia also wants you to know that her bio photo is a true representation of “I am enough”. Grey hair, cold sore, no make up and a bad hair day! Woo!