15 Nov I am Enough from Victoria Lampkin
(Picture by Timelessly Classic Photography)
Those eyes, normally sparkling with mischief but now filled with tears. That kinky, curly hairs in a single Afro puff that you wear on the top of your head like a crown. Representing the princess you know that you are. Those full lips that cause your dimples to show when you laugh with your whole body. Those lips are now telling me, with all the force your little three-year old body can muster, “THAT NO ONE LOVES ME!!! You don’t love me, daddy don’t love me, big brother don’t love me. NO ONE LOVES ME!!!” Okay, you are three what do you know about no one loving you. Do I laugh and blow you off or do I start saving my money for therapy in 10 years? As a mother and a pediatrician I knew that you would say these words at some point in your life I just didn’t expect them at 3 years old.
How do you know these words? What do they mean to your lil’ mind? Have you heard someone say these words? Do you know, maybe on some cellular DNA level, that I have said these or words with similar meaning numerous times in my life. Am I saying these words through my body language? I know you haven’t heard me say them because I’m very conscious of what I say in front of you but you don’t know that my mind has often said these same words. You are a mini-me so those eyes, lips and hair also belong to me. I want, I need you to love and celebrate them. I see others parts of me in you. Some I love and some I have fought with and tried to suppress most of my life. I want you to be able to accept them all. So, I have to be enough so that you can be enough.
I was lucky enough that you chose me as your mommy late in my life because it gave me many years to become ‘enough’. I would love to tell you that I had some major epiphany that allowed me to be comfortable with all of my strengths and inconvenient traits that I treat as mini projects to correct. But that is not how my story went. I fought the process of accepting my messy life with every bone, muscle and emotion I had. Lots of emotions and most of them were not pretty. I became enough when I couldn’t be anything else. When I was so damn tried that the only thing I could be was just me. Me, in all of my raw glorious form.
I became enough when I lost everything that I knew of myself. I became enough when I moved back to my hometown and had unhealed demons peeking from every familiar street corner and family gathering. (I’m a grown woman. You people don’t scare me). I became enough when my identity as smart was shattered after struggling numerous times to pass my pediatric boards. (I’m smart. I really am.) I became enough when we started one business, lost it, started enough business and lost it. (What the hell were we thinking?). I became enough when after the lost of the businesses I had to ask my momma for gas money, more than one time. (I’m grown. I shouldn’t have to ask anybody to take care of me. I should be taking care of her.) I became enough because if I didn’t I wouldn’t survive. I had to be ecstatic with what was left after losing every shred of the existence that I knew. I had to celebrate the anger, the vulnerability, the financial and mental brokenness, and the self-doubt in order to love every morsel of my curvy 5’9” self.
But baby girl you best believe that every step of my journey has prepared me to help you on yours. You will falter and probably spend years in therapy trying to find what is already inside of ya’ and blossoming. And I will probably pay for most of that therapy but I will never let you forget that you and I have been and always will BE ENOUGH. So, yes, mommy, daddy and big brother LOVE YOU!
Nerd with a capital N. Wife. Mommy. Knowledge Seeker. Storyteller. Lover of the spiritual playground of life.
Dr. Vickie is an Integrative Physician (combination of Western and Eastern Medicine) and certified yoga instructor who helps people reclaim their power and health. She has a medical degree, masters in public health and fellowship training in academic medicine and complementary and alternative medicine. The combination of her academic training, nutritional knowledge and yoga and meditation training has allowed her to help numerous others see their inherent power. You can play with her over at www.DrVickie.net.
(Picture by Timelessly Classic Photography)