I am enough from denise ullem

I am enough from denise ullem

 

I am enough.

Surely I came into this world knowing this, yet somehow, I sloughed off this belief layer by layer. And replaced it with hard-edged, cruel fillers:

I am ugly.

I am dumb.

I am inarticulate.

I am certainly not enough.

The hows and whys of this deflating departure are sometimes sweeping, other times subtle. Influential people in my life believed in me; influential people in my life disappointed me. My life, like all lives before and since, rolled out with joys, deflations, cosmic wins and devastating losses. I cannot laser in on one target or declare one person, or event, the cause.

But I do know this: like an off-kilter mathematician, I formulated and adapted to a defined “perfect” (no mistakes, no guffaws, no doubts, no fears, no tears) and whenever I did not measure up, I was less-than.  This belittling, incestuous formulary, when permutated across years and decades, produced a sum worth way less than its actual value.  I became jaded and grayed. Small. Depressed.

I held, white-knuckled, to these beliefs.

But then…

when I understood that perhaps these beliefs were, well, a bit limiting, the rebirth of my truest knowledge of myself returned. I invested in myself. I learned to listen to the quiet, sometimes ardent, advice of my soul. I redefined perfect (messy; up and down; gritty; evolving; learning). I enlisted the help of seasoned, realistic travelers. I slowly, and then rapidly, jettisoned those caustic beliefs and returned to my earliest truth: I am enough. Perfect as is. I heard it clearly, like a beacon through the mist: I am enough.

My enoughness, when permeated across all my idiosyncrasies and talents, includes every angle, every bit—a very well-rounded formula of me:

Surly me.

Depressed me.

Mom me.

Wife me.

Friend me.

Elated me.

Mistake me.

Writer me.

Grateful me.

Practicing me.

Noticing me.

Creative me.

Authentic and true. I am enough. And I always was. And always will be. Enough.

………..

About Denise Ullem

   

Denise Ullem is a writer, a mother, a wife, a friend. She looks forward to an upcoming publication of an essay in Parents Magazine. She writes at www.musingsdemommy.blogspot.com where she delves into the universal grit of life, her challenges, sacred bits of joy and her journey to this moment. Where, even when (especially when) sitting on the inky edges of a long day, or month, she tried to remember that She Is Enough.

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11 Comments
  • Rudri Bhatt Patel @ Being Rudri
    Posted at 16:41h, 03 May Reply

    Denise: The last stanza sealed it for me. And I loved the way you ended this piece. Thanks for sharing this raw and humbling journey with us.

  • Christine @ Coffees & Commutes
    Posted at 19:38h, 03 May Reply

    You are so enough, that your words and honesty fill me up. Always. This road we travel is complex, cumbersome and yet in it's own way devine. I'm glad to have found you, and to share this journey so intimately through our writing.

  • Christine @ Coffees & Commutes
    Posted at 19:38h, 03 May Reply

    You are so enough, that your words and honesty fill me up. Always. This road we travel is complex, cumbersome and yet in it's own way devine. I'm glad to have found you, and to share this journey so intimately through our writing.

  • denise
    Posted at 20:36h, 03 May Reply

    Tracey–I am so honored to be here today, sharing my words. Thank you. Rudri and Christine…thank you both for your kind words and support. xo

  • Justine
    Posted at 20:42h, 03 May Reply

    Denise, I suffer from the less-than doubts myself. All the time. But these words here are so true, so uplifting that I am starting to believe myself that I truly am enough!

    Also, the beauty of each line here says to me that you are more than enough; in fact, you are wonderful. Thank you for this.

  • Heather of the EO
    Posted at 21:18h, 03 May Reply

    I love this, Goose.
    You know, it made me think of something kind of random but I hope it applies…
    Last night, Asher prayed out loud for the first time. He's just been too shy until now. His first prayer ever?
    "God, thank you for giving me Asher."

    Now, this is quite funny…but profound too, you know? He's grateful for himself. I don't know why we have to lose that. But I'm so glad we can find our way back.

    Beautiful post.

  • Lindsey
    Posted at 21:25h, 03 May Reply

    Denise,
    I love reading your words here. As you know, I'm struggling – learning, tripping up, trying again – to listen to that same voice of the soul. It's not an easy journey but I'm grateful for your companionship along the way.
    xox

  • Cathy
    Posted at 21:35h, 03 May Reply

    Reminds me of a magnet I have at home: believe in yourself and the magic will happen. Indeed enough.

  • Christa
    Posted at 01:44h, 04 May Reply

    Denise, you are all that and more! Glad to see you and your beautiful words here!

    XOXO

    C

  • rebecca @ altared spaces
    Posted at 21:24h, 04 May Reply

    One of the things that strikes me most is the lack of blame. There is a resonant something (incestuous is the great word for it) that pulls so many of us (certainly me) toward NOT enough-ness. But there is a shifting of the tide. I feel it in this project and in these words. Thank you for depositing enough into the ocean in which we all swim.

  • Trish
    Posted at 13:53h, 09 May Reply

    You are way more than enough, you are fabulous….enjoyed your writing and thank you for sharing. I, myself, posted here on 10/26/10. feel free to reach out to me at patriciadolan10@gmail.com. You are a beautiful woman and kindred spirit!!

    Trish

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